Put Me in Coach -- No air balls, no end of practice sprints

By Allen Etzler
Published in Sports on February 7, 2015 11:36 PM

• Print
• Email

Please just hit the rim.

That was the only thought running through my head as I readied to shoot before starting practice with the Eastern Wayne varsity boys' basketball team.

I picked a safe distance of about 12 feet and a hoop where none of the other players were -- just in case I air ball my shot. There's not a worse first impression to make on a basketball court than an air ball.

My shot clangs off the back of the rim and falls harmlessly to the ground.

It's just like a basket in my book.

After a few more shots, I realize my stress is unwarranted as most of the players aren't worried about the News-Argus reporter throwing up brick after brick in the corner of the gym. They're more focused on which of them can finish the best dunk.

Things have changed since I was in school. Dunking was never that easy.

Little did I know, I would have much more to worry about than just hitting the rim later in practice. And the players would actually be paying attention.

We stretched, shot free throws and then got into some fast break drills. Like I did for the entirety of practice, I avoided shooting in this drill.

No sense in me putting up a shot and having Micah Smith block it all the way to the English department, you know?

It took me one football practice to realize I needed to lower my expectations in this project. For this practice, I wanted to stay on my feet, not throw up and not get dunked on.

I accomplished that.

Nevermind the countless turnovers and dropped passes I had. I was OK with those.

Except for one. It was during a five-on-five scrimmage and Warriors point guard KK Best threw me a beautiful pass to the lane that threaded the needle between two defenders. I knew as soon as he threw it I wasn't going to shoot it, but I saw Zeke Martin wide open and thought I could get it to him. But, the pass bounced off my brick hands and hit me in the face and went to the defense.

So it goes. It would have been nice, though.

Practice was short. It was exam week for the Warriors, so they kept practices to an hour to allow time for the guys to study.

We got to the end of the scrimmage part of practice and coach Chris Roberts called next point wins. Loser has to run.

My team was on defense.

In my playing days, this always ended in me running.

I was guarding the point guard and I completely threw that awful new handchecking rule out the window. It's bogus anyway.

I shoved, I pulled, I held. I'm not proud of it. But I did what it took to prevent being scored on.

We eventually forced a turnover and got a layup for the win.

The "rah-rah team" part of my personality thought I should run with the guys who lost. Because running builds character or something.

But the adult in me thought "I hate running. They should not have lost."

So I let them run sprints on their own.

Team sprints followed. I figured we'd run one or two and be done.

We ran one. And then two up and back. And then three times up and back. And then five times.

And then I blacked out.

We were lining up to run nine up-and-back sprints when it happened.

"Either I'm shooting or News-Argus is shooting," Malik Richard shouted.

News-Argus. That's what they call me. I also got called Romeo from Romeo and Juliet (which, if they're referring to the Romeo Leonardo Dicaprio played, is kind of flattering).

They also called me Chip Skylark (still trying to figure out who that is).

Anyway, back to shooting. The way to get out of practice early and not have to run the sprints is for a player to step up and make free throws.

Malik didn't want to run nine sprints. And seeing how I kept coming in last each time, I could think of some things I'd rather be doing, too.

He nominated either himself or me. And coach Roberts took him up on it by picking me to shoot. I had to make three out of five free throws to send everyone home and avoid nine sprints.

I can't say if the guys on the team were very confident in me. I can absolutely say I was already taking as much time as possible, so I could rest my legs for the nine sprints I was about to run.

My first shot clanked off the side of the rim.

I made my second, but, for the first time, I actually felt nervous when I heard the clicking of News-Argus photographer Casey Mozingo's camera going off next to my face as I was shooting.

I got a friendly bounce on my third shot.

This was the first time I felt confidence the entire day. I think the guys had some in me, too.

My fourth shot, though, hit off the side of the rim.

There were some groans. Mainly by me.

It all came down to this. I had to make it. Not to be dramatic, but let's be dramatic, everyone was counting on me.

An hour ago I was telling myself to "just hit the rim." Now I'm standing at the free throw line saying mini prayers about how hitting the rim isn't good enough because I don't want to run sprints.

I take a deep breath and I let the shot go.

I don't hit the rim.

I hit nothing but net. Swish.

BOOM. No sprints.

And that, to me, is better than winning the NBA title.

News-Argus, er Romeo, er Chip Skylark, er Allen Etzler is the clutch free throw shooter who would rather not have to run sprints than win an NBA championship. He can be reached at aetzler@newsargus.com.