Gone; not forgotten
By Phyllis Moore
Published in News on October 17, 2014 1:46 PM
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News-Argus/MELISSA KEY
Nate and Hope Stephens share with their infant loss support group about the baby daughter who died four years ago, and how they honor Natalie's memory every year on her birthday.
Nate and Hope Stephens' baby daughter, Natalie, died during delivery in April 2011.
They went on to have another child, Noah, who turned 2 this past May.
Rachel Sikorski recently marked the one-year anniversary since her baby, William, died. She already had a daughter, now 4, and is pregnant again.
Petra Walston also had a child -- Charlie, now 13 -- when Jacob was stillborn in February. Then she had an early miscarriage in June.
She recently discovered she is expecting again.
"I'm worried about the ultrasound," she said.
"Of course you are," said counselor Melissa Harrell, of Life Solutions Counseling.
"There was no trouble before," Ms. Walston said. "But last time there was no heartbeat."
It doesn't matter whether a family already has other children or hopes to have more in the future -- there is no replacing the loss of a child.
Mrs. Harrell, facilitator of Footprints, a pregnancy/infant loss support group, admitted she had felt "ill-equipped" to lead such a group when first approached by Rhonda Dutton a few years ago. Mrs. Dutton has a 15-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son. Baby Lillian was born and died in between, in 2005.
Having the support of others who have experienced a similar situation can help, Mrs. Harrell said.
"How do you make this loss matter? We believe in this group that there's a purpose. We don't like it because we want it to be different," she said.
"In general, talking to my husband and stuff like that, he's done his grieving," Mrs. Sikorski said. "Just being able to have a group of women to talk to, hearing their stories and to know you're not alone, to see the inspiration, it kind of motivates and helps with the grieving process."
Ms. Walston said by attending the group she has been able to find ways to laugh through some of the pain.
And Nate Stephens, who accompanies his wife to meetings, said it has helped both of them.
"I can't quite connect with her on everything that she needs to," he said. "In turn, it kind of takes some of the burden off. Men and women have different grieving processes."
In addition to fathers, grandparents have also found the support group beneficial, Mrs. Harrell said.
"Sometimes all the sympathy goes to the mother. The impact, the ripple effect, they have got double losses because they have got their child (going through it) and then they have lost a grandchild," she said.
Even though it has been nine years, Mrs. Dutton said she still appreciates having an outlet to talk about Lillian.
"It reminds me that it's not just a bad dream that I had," she said. "I can still allow myself to grieve and talk about her."
Ms. Walston shared an experience with a co-worker who was able to express it well -- just by admitting he didn't know what to say, but was still there for her.
"Sometimes it's OK to say I'm here for you, I don't know what to say, but it's the gift of presence," Mrs. Harrell said.
"Don't avoid because you don't know what to say," Mrs. Stephens said. "You're amazed at how many friends you lose through the process just because they don't know what to say. We're in a club that nobody wants to be in."
If the group were to have a theme, Mrs. Harrell said, it would be "where grief meets hope."
Footprints -- representing the little feet lost and the steps of those followed in for guidance -- meets on the third Thursday of each month, at 6:30 p.m. at her office on Patetown Road.
An opportunity for other families to celebrate the lives of those lost will be held this Saturday at 10:30 a.m. at St. Paul United Methodist Church in the grassy area across from the Goldsboro police station.
The idea for the local commemoration was prompted by something similar Nate and Hope have done each year in memory of their daughter.
"The first year we decided that, you know, we weren't able to have a birthday party obviously, so we decided to make her memory matter," Mrs. Stephens said.
She was about eight months pregnant with Noah the first time they marked the occasion, in Washington, D.C., during the Cherry Blossom Festival, she said.
"It was even overcast that day and the sun came out at the perfect time," Nate said.
"I don't know that I can name the emotion," his wife said, thinking. "Hope. Perfect timing. I think (Noah) was even kicking around the same time, (like) it's going to be fine."
For more information on Footprints, call 919-922-2597.